Take me to thine breast, for I am home
Sitting late in my office, I just came up with a brilliant plan. Now, listen to this, patiently… when I am old and am about to die, I am going to try my damndest to get a hard-on, hold my wang in my hand, start grinning like a complete idiot, and wait for Rigor Mortis to set in.
Now think about it… how cool would that be? My sons and their wives and their sons… they’ll have a blast explaining to other people how gramps died… ‘uh well.. he was just lying there and… uh..’
‘But why is he sitting up right?’
‘why is he grinning?’
‘who else was in the room?’
Oh its beautiful! Of course if I die in an accident, or somebody kills me, this plan would fail… but don’t worry, its a long evening, I’ll think of something.
The saga collapses into a fetal position.
Arunï¿½s been taken to a hospital for examination after a police officer sees him trying to make out with an air hockey machine, slowly mumbling, ï¿½Fatalityï¿½ Fatalityï¿½ï¿½
The doc asks Arun a few routine questionsï¿½
Arun: Itï¿½s a fairly common misconception that you canï¿½t make windows out of brick. Most people feel that brick is too soggy. I assure you it is a shoe.
Scientists have discovered that nine out of ten shoes are numb. This brings us to a disturbing question: Does Coffee bleed?
If in fact it does, then one must consider the possibility that all life is but a Giant Cake Mold. But instead of delicious, gooey cake batter, we are filled withï¿½ raisins.
Doc: Riiightï¿½ Drunk and Disorderlyï¿½
Arun: I am so not drunk.
Doc: Then count backwards from ten.
Arun: Q. Noï¿½ Fuck!
Flies spread diseases so keep yours closed
I’m never at my best at describing things. At school, my report card generally read ‘Has little to no ability, but does his best’, or words to that effect. True, in the course of years I have picked up a vocabulary of sorts, but I’m not nearly smart enough to draw word-pictures that would do justice to events that deem themselves fit enough to befall me from time to time. I will endeavor to explain one such phenomenon now.
Well let me begin at the beginning. Two nights ago, I was coloring a cartoon at home when a fly started buzzing around my computer. Now normally this wouldn’t have bothered me, but this fly kept buzzing by my head like it had something against me. So I rolled up a wad of loose paper near by and when it landed on the wall I hit it. Then I hit it when it fell on the ground again just to make sure. I went back to coloring thinking that was over.
Then about 5 minutes later I hear a buzzing sound, I look down and the fly has come back to life and is flopping around the floor slowly coming back to life. I assumed that I only stunned it even though I knew I hit it pretty hard. So I stepped on it (to put it out of misery) and again went back to coloring.
Then Nature called and I went to the bathroom. When I got back I again heard a buzzing sound and there was a fly buzzing about the room. I looked down and the fly I thought I had killed was gone. Now I thought to myself “This can’t be the same fly” but I then I thought, “But that other fly just didn’t disappear”. So I kind of freaked out and became suspicious of this fly I couldn’t seem to kill. I waited and hit the fly again sending it flying against a wall and behind a shelf.
Then last night I come back and there is another fly in the room. Now this is either a long string of coincidences or I’ve come across some kind of undead or possessed fly.
So not taking any chances I’ve gone off to find a crucifix. I wonder if anyone knows where I can get some holy water or a blessed flyswatter??? Really, I’m desperate…
Also a nod to Andy for the title…
The Saga makes no sense
Sam has smashed Aruns PC to build his ‘thing’. Arun’s been walking around thinking crazy thoughts.
Puneet sees Sam’s new ‘thing’, and walks over to investigate… he sees a pile of wood and Arun’s broken up comp…
Puneet: So… this is your… thing?
Sam: Of course.
Puneet: What does it do?
Sam: You can run it over with your car.
Puneet: But what… you… we don’t have a car.
Sam: They’re weapons.
Sam: Sure! You light them on fire, and then throw them at zombies.
Puneet: This is just a pile of wood.
Sam: With an ashtray.
Puneet: Is that Arun’s computer?
Sam: No, its a goddamn ashtray.
Puneet: I’ve never seen an ashtray with a video card.
Sam: It’s some high-tech shit. It can display… wood.
Puneet: So you’re saying this pile of wood is a digital projection…coming from your “ashtray”?
Sam: *blink, blink*
Sam: So lets get a car… and then run it over.
Puneet: Last time you stole a car I was SHOT. In the GROIN!
Sam: It’s not my fault you were erroneously punished.
Puneet: You POINTED. And said, “Look, HE did it”. And I was holding KEYS. They were MY KEYS. I was going to MY APARTMENT. HE SHOT ME IN THE GROIN AND TOOK MY KEYS.
Sam: Its not my fault you’re a weakling.
The Saga is kind of underway
Arun’s PC has been in an unfortunate accident, and he has gone delirious…
Arunjeet thinks his life over:
Life without my PC…
The only slave to my every command…
Oh sure, these ‘people’ things could be my slaves too. But its not the same. They’re fleshy. And have meat and things… on their bones. And they can hit me on the face when they want to.
My PC wouldn’t hit me on the face.
There was this arcade machine… we had our fun together.
But it felt wrong.. so wrong. Like peeing on a kitten. Who does that?
Nobody. Nobody does that.
I think I dreamt about having sex with John Carmack.
Shit. No…Shit. I did not just say that.